it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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