how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
