Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
