He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
