They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
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