I cannot find my penis.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
