True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Fuck appropriateness.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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