Sry I called you an 8
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
