you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
