so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
so much tequila, so little girl.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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