I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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