I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize