You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You did what with his pubic hair?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
