Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
