I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
