I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
