I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
