i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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