I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Randomize
