Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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