I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
