If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
