i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
