quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
