I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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