Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I think my moral compass just broke
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
