The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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