Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
This couple is walking their pig around campus
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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