Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
