I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
