you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
