just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
