I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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