You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
