omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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