I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
