I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
