then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm passing your future prison.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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