I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
