I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
