Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
