I think I am morally bankrupt
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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