It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
