just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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