I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
