I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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