I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
