why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just tell him i said nine months
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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