Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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