I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
