she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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