I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just googled if crying burns calories
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
