...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
