That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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