Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
