just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
