Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
