I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
