I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
