Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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