You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
